It’s true, I’m fed up. Not the run of the mill, I’ll be ok tomorrow kind of fed up. No. This is the down deep, I’ve really had enough of this, kind of fed up – and it’s not going away.
It takes many routes, my feelings at the moment. In the first instance I can tell you very easily what gets me down, in fact I can rattle off a whole long list. However in the telling, there would be a whole heap of guilt too, because I realise that when you look at it, all the stuff I would tell you I don’t like, really many would say, Heather you are very lucky. And I know there is very much I should be grateful for.
And it is monumentally whiny to just roll out what I don’t like and not be able to say what I would like to do instead – and there is the cruncher – I actually couldn’t tell you what I would like to do instead. So that makes this all the more frustrating, because I suppose until I can say with some clarity, what I would like to do, I can’t even begin to contemplate how I might effect the change.
There is also the none too small problem of my family – if I were to evoke some wholesale change to my life – isn’t that going to impact rather significantly upon them? Which means I just come off sounding selfish.
My husband and I run a small business – and I don’t care what the Government says, we’re not seeing much evidence of a bustling economy – being self employed is in itself precarious and stressful, and the nature of the business we are in is dry, serious and sadly dull. Overall I have less issue with being self employed than I do with the kind of work we have to do, day in and day out – and the overriding thing I despise most of all is the large measures of stress and anxiety that follows us around constantly, and most especially when it comes home with us.
The family has first hand experience of living side by side with stressed out, harried and snappy parents and the effects aren’t that nice. Some times are worse than others – but I have reached a stage in life now where I am truly fed up of dealing with it, managing it and trying to deflect it. I would like for us to have a different way of living – a simpler life, a more caring and sharing life, one where we can feel some real joy.
I’m very keen to side step the detail and just get to the bottom line – change.
But I realise that that is silly – in order to change and get to a new destination, I have to know where I want to go and why – whether it is practicable and whether my family can make the change with me. I also realise it’s really not just about changing direction its also about making small changes within – looking for the good things in life we can as a family enjoy now.
I have spoken about this to my husband and whilst he agrees a change would be more than welcome, he feels I lack any practical or sensible plan. Many of my ideas are admittedly knee jerk reactions to how I feel.
Couldn’t we just walk away and start again? Said I. And so he went to great lengths to explain why that was an impractical idea.
Ok, says I, if abrupt change is impractical how about we make small changes from within – to make our life feel more contented and happy in the here and now – allow us some peace at least until we can decide how we might live life more differently?
Like what? says Husband.
Well says I. Maybe we could read together, turn off the TVs, the laptops, the ipads, facebook and mobile phones – and enjoy each other’s company. Maybe we could listen to music together, and eat together. ( It was at the this point I started to realise that this list was actually pretty pathetic, but hardly impossible).
Being a Victorian family isn’t going to make us less stressed or any happier says he. Agreed says I , feeling defeated once again.
However, I had to smile to myself just a little bit, when a few days after our seemingly dead end road conversation, I heard my husband begin to play his saxophone whilst I cooked dinner – and I heard the kids go in to the music room (that sounds posher than it is btw!!) to listen to him and tease him when he hit a bum note; and everyone was laughing when they eventually came to the dinner table and there was not one piece of electrical gagetry to be seen.
And I realise, that all is not entirely lost – and perhaps leading by example may be the surest way I have of picking myself through the minefield of small changes that will lead us to a happier future…..we’ll see. For now, enjoy my musings in my latest YouTube instalment: